A decade after his debut as a director, Scott Stewart has hit the multiplexes with his sophomore effort, an angelically themed action movie named Legion. This film, to cut to the chase, is a conceptual mess that doesn’t bother to take the time to make sense of itself, let alone explain to the audience what it is they’re supposed to be watching. The story centers around an angel named Michael, who when tasked with the duty of wiping out humanity at the behest of God, instead decides to defy his orders and give the humans another chance by protecting their last chance at survival, an unborn child. Why this child is important or how he could possibly stand to save us from the judgment of an all-powerful God is never explained.
Unluckily for us, the fetus-savior of the human race is isolated in a mid desert gas station/diner populated by a handful of unlikeable, paper thin, disaster movie clichés. We have his abortion considering, ungrateful to the people around her, waitress mother; the dim bulb, Jethro Bodean dumb, trailer dwelling, mechanic who has labled himself her caretaker; his dad Dennis Quaid; a one handed, soulful, black, fry-cook; a BMW driving WASP couple and their slutty young daughter; and a gun toting, “Aw Hell no!” shouting urban black man (thus rounding out all the possible black characters for an action movie, soulful and wise or loud and incredulous). None of these people are the types that you would want to spend any time with in real life, but unfortunately if you’ve sat in a theatre to see this film you now have no choice. The next ninety minutes are there’s. The only solace that you may gain at this point is the hope that you’ll take pleasure in seeing them wiped out, one by one, horror movie style by the wrath of God.
What form does the wrath of God take? That of his army of “angels” who have been unleashed in all their sharp toothed, lengthy limbed, movie monster glory. We’ve all seen the trailers for this film. We’ve all seen the sweet, little old lady grow razor blade teeth and scuttle on the ceiling. Likely that one image is the thing that sold the people who are interested in this film on seeing it. I can happily report that the little old lady does show up, she is sweet at first, and she does grow razor blade teeth and scuttle on the ceiling. In that, and that alone, Legion delivers. What it fails to deliver is an explanation as to why any of this is happening. Why do the angels start showing up as crosses between the Exorcist demon and a zombie apocalypse when we’ve already been introduced to other “angels” in the characters of Michael and Gabriel, who are smooth faced, winged Roman looking men much in the tradition of every other freaking angel I’ve ever seen in popular lore. Is this the best that God can come up with? A handful of zombies attacking a diner in the desert? We’re told, but never shown, that a real apocalypse is happening all over the rest of the Earth. Is that where all of God’s other badass, winged angels are? He couldn’t spare a couple more to fly over to Dennis Quaid’s diner and take out humanity’s “last hope”? And what is this kid supposed to do if God can just turn everybody into angelzombies at will? Unfortunately, by the time you sit through all of the ham fisted dialogue and snore inducing downtime of the first two thirds of the movie and things finally start blowing up you no longer care, and an answer isn’t coming anyways.
And boy is the dialogue ham fisted. The characters exist not as people, but solely as characters in a screenplay. At no point does anyone speak like a real human being; instead choosing to communicate solely in well-rehearsed monologues, designed to inform the audience who they are and where their development is going to go by the end of the film. It often seems like you’re watching some sort of mockumentary where the characters know they are being filmed and are playing to the cameras; the bombastic, over the top, cheesy score adding to the mock heroic feel of it all.
Pacing issues begin to rear their ugly head around the midpoint of the film as well, as the film grinds to a screeching halt every time it starts being talky. I found myself groaning and checking my watch every time we’d zoom in on an actors face and they would launch into a soliloquy. Some credit should be given, I suppose, to an action movie that bothers to attempt character development, but the whole thing is handled in such an unnatural, jerky, Frankenstein monster manner that you begin to feel like you’re watching people playing at making a film rather than an actual Hollywood release.
This unnatural, forced feeling saturates everything and makes the attempts at development a waste of time. Dennis Quaid’s character exists only to growl tough guy bravado and later show signs of weakness and regret; the WASP mother played by Kate Walsh exists only to be unlikeable so you’ll wait to cheer when she dies. Everything happens in service of the script, and nothing feels organic or real. Even the film’s villains fall into this utilitarian trap. Why do the angelzombies often come in the form of things that are normally wholesome and innocent: little old ladies, ice cream men, small children? This question is never explored. The most likely answer seems to be that they appear this way because that’s what modern film audiences are creeped out by. How many times have we seen a little child start having face seizures and then emerge from the blur as a demented creature in horror movie trailers in the last ten years? Millions; and every film that is advertised this way seems to make money. Why do things happen in this film? Because they’re the types of things that happen in movies today, they’re the types of things that advertise well, the types of plot elements that make money. Legion exists as an end product to be marketed and never as a story. The only thing I can’t figure out is why Stewart didn’t just make another generic zombie movie, and instead tacked on all of this Angels and Heaven exposition that doesn’t actually have anything to do with what happens on screen.
The performances in the film are forgettable, but serviceable. Charles S. Dutton does his best at playing the religious fry cook. He gives off a genuine air and even squeezes out a few tears during one of the unnatural monologues his character has to recite. Dennis Quaid is believable as diner owning Dennis Quaid. Kate Walsh is appropriately unlikeable as the snooty white woman. Willa Holland is cute as the young, teenaged eye candy. Tyrese Gibson comes off as naturally black playing his character of black guy. Adrianne Palicki plays Charlie, the savior’s mother. She is never given consistent characterization and is kind of a mess of a protagonist, but the actress does her best to emote during her monologues and make sense of the conflicting motivations the script gave her. Most everyone here tries their best and would have been better served to act in a film with a better script. The lone exception is Lucas Black who plays the character of Jeep Hanson, Dennis Quaid’s son and Charlie’s unrequited admirer. The script’s expositional dialogue hammers us over the head with the idea that he is a compassionate, wearisome man bogged down by his responsibilities. This is never reflected in Black’s performance, as he plays Jeep more as a sports utility vehicle than as a person. Blank stares, confused brow furrows, and southern drawl are all Black is able to muster up and he creates a fence post of a character. Michael, the film’s chief hero tells the Jeep character that it is because of his continued compassion and hope in the face of bleak circumstances that he still has faith is humanity. If Black’s blank, glossy-eyed, sea bass stare is supposed to be the source of faith, then I have none.
Legion, because of it’s terrible script, is an abject failure. The plot is nonsensical, the pacing slow, the character’s not believable. Despite all this, it is shot well enough, looks professional, and the actors seem to be well directed. I wouldn’t mind seeing Stewart direct another film if he happened across a much better script. Perhaps next time he should attempt to option something rather than write the script himself. There is no shame in making a career directing films as a utility technician rather than as a full on writer/director. Recommendation to avoid unless you really just HAVE to see that old lady scuttle across the ceiling on the big screen.
